In Propria Persona
by Motsie of Atlantis
Summary: adj. from Latin "for one's self," acting on one's own behalf, generally used to identify a person who is acting as his/her own attorney in a lawsuit. For most of her life Nell has been acting on her own. Can she continue to live like this, or will change have to enter her life to save her from what is troubling her?
1. Chapter 1

**Sequel to Persona Non Grata**

**Rated: M** for strong language, adult themes

Chapters: 1 / 3

**Disclaimer:** As always, every character or place you may recognize is not owned or controlled by me. The odd little people that interact with them still are solely the products of my imagination and do not represent any real person - past, present, or future.

**A/N:** I wrote the short story **Persona Non Grata **as a one-shot set 10 years in the future. People kept reviewing it and asking when I was going to write and post the next chapter. I didn't want to do it, but **V** kept bugging me until I finally told her that I would write one just for her. Here it is, 5 years beyond that. I hope that those others of you who wanted the original story to go on enjoy it also. Thanks to **G** who encouraged me to listen to the muse when the bunnies hopped away. **Please Note: There will be NO sequel written to this story.**

**A/N 2:** Although members of NCIS:DC will be mentioned, this is not a crossover story.

**In Propria Persona**

Chapter 1

**July 17, 2030**

**Dallas, Texas**

Nell Jones, the Operations Manager of the Dallas Office on Counterintelligence, looked like crap. Every night she got two to three hours of sleep at the very most. Most nights she felt like she got none at all. She started to look back at the last six months and tried to pinpoint the exact time or event that caused everything to start going downhill.

She had narrowed it down to around the time that Eric had come to her office and asked to have a private conversation with her. When the door was closed, her head tech's eyes started to tear up as he looked at his boss, and told her, "Nell, I am so, so sorry. I just can't do this anymore."

Nell asked him, "What do you mean?", a puzzled look on her face.

"I told you that my dad was suffering from early stages of dementia because of the stroke he had last year. Well, now my mom is starting to show the early symptoms of Alzheimer's. She forgets where she has put things that she has kept in the same place for years and she has trouble trying to come up with the right words every once in a while. I hired a private nursing service to help take care of them while I am here at work, but that is not working out. My parents do not recognize any of these people and do not want to listen to them or allow anyone else to help them. When I get home, it takes all my energy to help my folks do what they need to do. Then the next day, I come here, and all day, instead of concentrating on my work here, I just worry about what is going on at home."

"So, what can you do, Eric; are there any medications that can help them or do you have to put them in a residential facility that can provide the care they need?" Nell asked.

"They both are on the medications they need. As far as putting them away in a care home, I just can't do that to them. It would kill them. The doctors advised me to keep them in familiar surroundings as long as possible, because that would slow down their mental stress." Eric informed her.

"So what are you planning to do?" Nell asked, her heartbeat increasing and breathing growing slower, since she already had a good idea of what he was going to say.

"I am going to have to resign for NCIS so I can care for them 24/7 instead of hiring some one else as their care givers."

Those were the words that Nell knew she didn't want to hear from him. "Is there any other way, Eric, you know I need you here, in more ways than one."

Eric knew what she meant, as his eyes filled up with tears, "Nell, you know I would love to stay here with you. I have deep feelings for you. But these are my parents. You can relate to that. You have that type of love for your family, too."

His words made her really feel guilty. It was two years since she last was home to see her family. The phone calls and Skype hookups had been growing less and less as she assumed more and more responsibility of directing her team. She tried to justify it in her mind as something that went with the territory as a Manager, something that she could work out later when the case load settled down a little more. She hated the fact that she had to lie to her folks about what she was doing and that they could never visit her because they might find out. She had developed her convoluted back story for them and always had to make sure she kept it in mind when dealing with them so she wouldn't slip up. But she knew in her innermost being, if she were faced with the same circumstances in which Eric found himself, she would not hesitate for one moment to do the same thing.

"Of course, Eric. I understand." she lied, as she tried to silently justify her need to keep him working with her. What she really wanted to ask him was how he could choose the needs of his parents over the needs she had. His mom and dad would be taken care of by others, even if he didn't do it. Sure, they wouldn't recognize any of the new care givers, but pretty soon, if their problems followed the normal progression of the disease and developed the way they always did, his parents wouldn't recognize Eric either. If he stayed with her, she would be saving him from an even greater hurt down the road. Couldn't he see that? She really wanted to beg him to stay.

"When do you want to leave?" was the question that came from her lips instead.

"As soon as possible. I would like to spend as much time with them while they still know me. Would next week Friday be OK?"

"Of course," she answered, even though her mind screamed _**No, NO, __**NO**__,**_ at him. "You do whatever it takes to help your parents. I will see if I can't get your replacement in here later this week so that you can bring him or her up to speed on what we have going on."

Nell tried to remember the last relationship she was involved in and how amicably the two of them had parted. She used every one of those memories within her to get up, go over and hug Eric, and whisper to him as she patted him on the back, "Everything will work out for you and your folks. Give them my love, too. We'll have to keep in touch after you're gone." She knew he had chosen them over her, and she was fighting hard in an attempt to show him she was OK with it, even though she was not.

Nell Jones did not know if it was because Eric was not longer in ops and his replacement, Robyn Tran, was still trying to find her way around his system to help her with the strategic planning for the mission. Perhaps it was because Nell missed or overlooked some minor detail while they were setting up the operation. Maybe she just had lost her leadership skills. No matter what the reason, the Operations Manager lost all four members of her first string team that day. Isaac Hoffman, the big German, who was the senior agent and team leader, whose fifteen years in NCIS made him the longest serving agent in the southwest area and one of the most savvy veterans she had ever worked with; Omar Meas, who was the team explosive and munitions expert, who could field strip and reassemble any weapon, from a derringer to a RPG launcher in less than five minutes; Rebecca Lindsey, the little blond, who was the team expert in all forms of martial arts and hand to hand combat and could use and throw a knife with the best of them; and finally Kerry Ramos, their communications expert who could work magic with any and all types of machines. All four of them were now gone, and it was Nell who had given the go order for the operation.

That mission started, just like any other. But it soon went to hell, Big Time. They were supposed to have backup from the Dallas Police Department, but somehow their request supposedly got screwed up. The backup detail didn't show up until thirty minutes later, after it was all over and too late to help the team. There were just supposed to be a couple of minor members of the Columbian cartel in the building, guarding a shipment of drugs. They were going to sell the drugs to finance their terrorist activities in Texas and open up new places from which they could operate across the border in the state of Nuevo Leon, Mexico. So simple. Maybe the simplicity of it all lulled them into a false sense of overconfidence.

The senior agent's voice came over the com as he reported back to Nell in ops. "There were two entrances, Ma'am. I don't think we can wait too long for the DPD to arrive. You know those cops don't like to work with us all that much, and personally, I don't think they are much help. If we hit the cartel members fast from both sides, I think all this will be over quickly." Little did he know how true that statement would be, just not in the way he expected.

Nell reluctantly agreed, "OK, Hoffman, you have a go. Just be careful." This was the part of the job that she hated the most, ever since the first day that she joined NCIS, the waiting and not being able to do anything to help. If there were cameras available, the Director might be able to watch how the operation went down. Most of the time, all Nell could do is listen to the words over the com, with her mind providing the video feed. When those times happened it was far worse for her than seeing what was actually happening. This was going to be one of those times.

"Will do, Ma'am." Hoffman answered.

"OK, Lindsey and Meas, you two take the back. We'll wait two minutes until you're in position and then we'll hit both doors at the same time." the senior agent instructed the team.

Two minutes later, the sound of doors being broken open filled the com. Nell felt relief come over her as she heard the various calls of "Clear" come through as the team went through the various rooms. Then, all of a sudden, Lindsey's voice was heard saying, "egggh" and there was the sound of a body falling and a gun clattering on the floor.

"Hoffman, Lindsey's down, didn't see what hap..." Meas' voice did not continue, but another thud was heard.

"Lindsey, Meas, what the hell is happening," Hoffman shouted.

"Find them, Hoffman." Nell told him, a very worried tone immediately filling her voice.

"Will do," she heard him say, then the single snap of his fingers as he went to silent mode in communicating with his partner. Nell could imagine them, trying to be as quiet and as quick as possible as they searched for their team members, both of whom appeared to be down. After three or four minutes of this, there was the sound of an electrical discharge and two separate groans, followed by bodies hitting the ground.

The next voice Nell heard was unknown to her, a Hispanic male with a heavy accent. "¿Comprendes, Carlos. I told you it would work. These gringos come after us with their bulletproof vests and think that will protect them. They forget, tasers work just as good to stop them, and when you hit them in the belly or anywhere below, nothing can help them.

An evil laugh responded to his words, "Si, Miguel, now we get rid of them?"

"Bind these two, and bring them over by the others."

As they heard the sounds of the bodies being dragged across the room, Nell had Robyn try to contact any other agents that could get over there to help. The Director called the Dallas Police Department demanding that they get their police backup detail to respond to the scene before something worse could happen.

While Nell was on the phone, the voice of the man she assumed was Miguel was again heard. "OK, NCIS peoples, I do not know who you are, but I see the letters on each of your four policía. I know you can hear me. I see the communication devices each has. Now you will learn not to interfere in our business. Here is how we deal with you all. First the big guy." The sound of a single shot and Lindsey's half choked scream was then heard.

"Silencio, puta." Miguel told her. "Now you, you traitor to your own people." Another shot, another scream.

"I told you, puta, to shut up. Because you will not listen, we will save you for last and shoot the dirty Arab first."

Another shot rang out, and those at ops could hear Lindsey scream through the open com, "No, No, NO!" A fourth shot was heard, then the only thing to break the silence was the laughter and the soft sound of footsteps moving away.

In her mind, Nell could see what had happened. The four of them were brought into one room, hands zip tied behind them, and forced to kneel so they could see each other. Four shots, execution style, each to the back of the head, increasing the terror to those still left alive. Nell felt each of those shots, as if they entered her own brain, her body jerking after the sound of each report. Robyn Tran, the new tech, made it through the sound of the first two gunshots and bodies falling to the floor, then she vomited into wastebasket. Nell didn't have that luxury. She had to listen and share the pain of her team members. Then she had to find the bastards who did it and bring them to justice.

"I want every camera you can locate in that area to track down these two killers," she said quietly to Robyn, her face ashen in shock. "I don't care what you have to do, just hunt them down."

"Yes, Ma'am." Robyn answered, using a tissue to wipe the tears from her eyes and the remaining spittle off of her face. The she turned back to her computer console and began the manhunt.

Willie Wright, the first NCIS agent to get to the scene, confirmed the images that Nell's mind had conjured up. All four agents were found in the same room. Their bodies were laying roughly in a circle, each with a single gun shot wound to the back of the head.

At that very moment, Assistant Director Darryl Mann entered ops. "Ms Jones, I order you to stand down."

Nell jumped up from her chair and turned around to face him, "And just what the hell is that supposed to mean," she asked. " Those were the members of **MY** team that were just executed." Unconsciously Nell was channeling all of her memories of Hetty Lange dealing with the incompetency of her superiors.

"I realize that, Ms Jones, and I am extremely sorry for your loss. But the Office of the Inspector General will have to conduct an investigation into this whole operation. Since you had an integral part in the planning, you cannot have an active part in that IG investigation or any further part in this operation. You are immediately placed on administrative leave, pending the results of your psychological evaluation and the IG investigation. They will inform you when you are to be interviewed. You should understand why that has to be." the Assistant Director said.

"Can I at least go and offer my condolences to the families, or would that impact negatively on your IG investigation?" Nell asked icily.

"As long as you don't mention anything about the planning or operation of the mission" You know the drill." Darryl Mann replied.


	2. Chapter 2

**In Propria Persona  
**adj. from Latin "for one's self," acting on one's own behalf, generally used to identify a person who is acting as his/her own attorney in a lawsuit. For most of her life Nell has been acting on her own. Can she continue to live like this, or will change have to enter her life to save her from what is troubling her?

**Sequel to Persona Non Grata**

**Rated: M** for strong language, adult themes

**Disclaimer:** As always, every character or place you may recognize is not owned or controlled by me. The odd little people that interact with them still are solely the products of my imagination and do not represent any real person - past, present, or future.

**A/N:** Thank you **V** for bugging me until I finally wrote this. Thank you **G** for making me listen to the muse when the bunnies refused to be herded. Thanks to all who read this and enjoy it. **Please Note: There will be NO sequel written to this story.**

**A/N 2:** Although members of NCIS:DC will be mentioned, this is not a crossover story.

**In Propria Persona**

Chapter 2

Since Assistant Director Darryl Mann ordered the Counterintelligence Manager to stand down and placed her on administrative leave, Nell Jones found herself with way too much time on her hands. She went to visit the families of each of her team members, calling ahead to find out what time would be the most convenient for them.

Isaac Hoffman's father, Hermann, was his only living relative. His other son had died eight years before, also in a law enforcement operation as a member of the elite Texas Rangers. Nell's tears flowed freely as she shared her sorrow with him on the death of his remaining son.

Kerry Ramos had a younger brother in college whom he was supporting ever since his parents were killed in an auto accident. Nell offered him her support and promised to see if she could get him some financial assistance to help him finish his education.

Omar Meas came from a big family, his grandfather coming over from Egypt two years before Omar was born. His parents invited Nell to attend the celebration of his life with the rest of the family and maybe say a few words on how he did his job.

The hardest visit Nell had to make was with the family of Rebecca Lindsey – instead of planning their wedding six months later, her fiance, Sean Brooks, and her parents, had to plan her funeral.

Nell Jones' psychological evaluation was conducted by Dr. Angelina Newton. Far from being more relaxed in the presence of another woman, Nell really wished she would be talking with Nate Getz. He had really listened to her, trying hard to understand what she was telling him, both in the words she used and in the underlying feelings and emotions she often tried to hide. Dr. Newton, on the other hand, just appeared to be bored and her tone told Nell that she was just going through the motions. Nell was so tempted to just go through the motions herself and tell the psychologist the first nonsense that came to her mind, but she quickly realized that with the IG investigation going on, a bad psych eval would increase the suspicion and blame on her and the slain members of her team. Nell began to take the time she needed to think her answers through. As she continued to answer Dr. Newton's questions, Nell made sure that she would formulate the answers so the reputation of her team would not be tarnished. Dr. Newton seemed content to go along with this, never challenging any of her answers, never delving below the surface image that Nell presented to her. A few days later, Dr. Newton pronounced Nell "fit for duty", even though the Operations Manager felt more messed up than ever and knew she needed someone to help her sort through her anxieties. But the big question was "Who?"

Special Agent Allison Tucker, the representative from the Office of Inspector General, entered the interrogation room to begin her interview of Nell. She sat on the interrogator's side, leaving the suspect side for Nell. This was the first time that Nell had to take that chair, and she felt the immediate intimidation that went along with it.

Agent Tucker set her briefcase on the table and opened it, taking out her tablet and some manila file folders. She put her briefcase on the floor, connected a keyboard to her tablet and turned it on, then spread out the five file folders on the table. Nell saw that one had her name on it and the other four, marked with a black band indicating that they were deceased, had the names of her team members on them.

"Good afternoon, Ms. Jones." the Special Agent said. "Before we begin, I want to assure you that this is not an inquisition. You are not on trial here. This is just an informal meeting. If a formal inquest is convened, and then you feel that you would want to have an attorney present, one can be appointed for you from the Judge Advocate General's office or you can retain your own private attorney. Today, we just would like to go over your understanding of what happened the day that four agents from this office died."

"You mean, were assassinated. That's what it was; a set up and then an assassination," Nell blurted out, her eyes never moving from those black bands on the four folders.

"And why do you feel that way?" Tucker asked.

"Look at the facts," Nell answered, looking up at her for the first time and ticking the points off on her fingers for emphasis. "First, we get a tip on an incoming shipment of drugs from Hector Rameriz, a known cartel member who is in the Federal Penitentiary in Beaumont, offering information for a break on his sentence. He told us when and where the drugs would enter the country, how they would be shipped here, where they were to be stored, how they were guarded, the whole complete package. We had doubts, but the container arrived in the port of New Orleans from Caracas, just like he said it would. That same container was shipped by rail and delivered here in Dallas to the address he gave us. **WE WERE SET UP!**"

"Second, how many drug dealers do you know that guard their shipments with tasers? Pistols, yes; AK47s, yes; hell, even grenades and RPGs. But tasers? I have never heard of anyone using them. I would venture to guess if you asked every police commissioner in the country, 'Have you ever heard of any drug dealers you know of that have ever used a taser?', you could count the number of 'yes' answers on one hand, with a couple of fingers left over. **THEY KNEW WE WERE COMING!**"

"Third, look at the crime scene. All four were forced to kneel in a circle. The shooter went behind them and put a single shot into the brain." Nell's voice quivered when she said this and she wiped a tear from her eye before she continued. "It was a professional hit, surgically done, not a killing by random group of drug dealers or cartel members. The cartel members just don't use their weapons in that way. My team had no chance. **THEY WERE ASSASSINATED!**"

"Finally, Listen to the tape. Those assassins had no idea for whom they were waiting to attack. They had no idea of what NCIS was. They were not there to guard the shipment. That was evident when agents later checked the shipment and found only a small amount of low grade drugs." Seeing the raised eyebrow of Agent Tucker, Nell immediately defended herself, "I didn't ask. Someone told me that when they checked the contents, there was just not that much there. I told them that I didn't want to know any more and turned around and walked away. This whole thing was planned to give us a warning. That's what the one we know as 'Miguel' basically told us. **IT WAS A PLANNED SET UP AND ASSASSINATION!**"

Then Nell lowered her voice to a whisper as tears freely flowed from her eyes, "And my team had to pay the price."

Agent Tucker gave Nell a moment to compose herself as she finished typing her notes on her tablet. She looked up at the woman across from her and said, "I know you started out at NCIS as a political analyst with expertise in the area of South America. If your assessment of this incident proves correct, I doubt if you have anything to worry about at a formal investigation. The most important question that I can see that still has to be answered is if the agency has been compromised and how was it done."

"**No!**" Nell shouted at her as she jumped up. Her chair flew back across the room and landed on its side. She stood over the investigator, her hands balled up into fists that wanted to push right through the table. "**The most important question is 'What is going to be done to find out why the four members of my team had to die and how will those deaths be avenged?' And if you can't see that their four lives are far more important than whether or not the agency is compromised, this interview is ended.**"

With those words echoing off the bare walls, Nell stormed out of the room and continued walking straight out of the building. At the moment she didn't care at all about the agency for which she worked most of her life.

The unofficial word came down that Nell would be cleared completely in this incident, yet there was no word, official or rumor, if she was to be restored to her job as the Operations Manager of Counterintelligence in the Dallas office. Most people around the office who knew of her assumed that this was only temporary, and that because of the special tasks assigned to the counterintelligence unit, time would be needed to assemble the right group of agents to form a replacement team. Nell was not quite so sure that was the reason. She wondered if Dr. Newton had placed something in her psych eval that red flagged her, even though she was pronounced "fit for duty". Either that, or someone in the IG office looked at her interview with Special Agent Allison Tucker, and didn't like her answers or the fact that she walked out.

No one could look into her mind and know the true reason why Nell no longer thought that she could accept the responsibilities of Operations Manager again. She knew she was more messed up than ever when she started hearing the voices. At first it was every few days. She could hear them arguing with each other in her head, especially at night. If she tried thinking hard about other things, she could turn down the volume on the voices, but they still remained there in the background. And all that noise was keeping her from any restful sleep.

Nell went on line and found that two in three people who hear voices can cope well and need no psychiatric care, while one in three become a psychiatric patient. She felt those odds were pretty good. But when the voices started coming more often, she got more worried. It wasn't just her overactive mind trying to keep going when her body demanded sleep. She knew she needed to find someone professional to help her deal with this, but she would never go to Dr. Angelina Newton again. That so-called doctor would just go through the motions with Nell and then report it to her superiors. She really needed Nate Getz and decided to try to find where he had been posted.

The following day Nell went over to the office. She tried to enter her security code into the keypad, but the door refused to open. She tried again with the same result. Her rattling of the door brought a Marine guard, who opened the door, but stood in the opening, effectively preventing her from entering.

"Can I help you, Ma'am," the sergeant asked.

"Yes, I'm Counterintelligence Operations Manager Nell Jones. There seems to be some problem with my security code. The door refused to open for me."

"Yes, Ma'am. If you will wait here just a moment, I will check that for you." He walked over to the desk off to the right, picked up the phone, and spoke a few hushed words. After a few moments he returned and said, "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but you have been denied access to the building. I cannot allow you to enter."

"What?" Nell asked, completely surprised by the sergeant's answer. "And who, may I ask, gave such an order, barring me from my own office?"

"The order," Ma'am, "was given by Assistant Director Darryl Mann. If that is a problem, I suggest that you take it up with him."

"You better believe that I will," Nell answered angrily, as she turned and walked back to her car.

When Nell got home she tried to access her work account from her personal computer. However, like the security code at the NCIS office door, she found that she was locked out of the system. She even tried to go to the NCIS public web site and attempted to log into her account from there, but that didn't work either, since all she got to come up was the home page image. Nell sent off an e-mail to Assistant Director Mann, politely explaining what had happened that day and asking him when her administrative leave would end. She wished she could record her true feelings about how he was handling her case, but she knew if she would do that, she would get a one word answer, "Never."

Nell knew then that she needed to find her help outside the system. She went to her computer again and checked the listings for psychiatrists that practiced in the Dallas area. Based on a phone call she made to one of the local hospitals, she narrowed her choices down to two, Dr. Sonja Matthews and Dr. Israel Goodwin. She called both offices and made an appointment with each for later that week.

Her first meeting was with Dr. Sonja Matthews. After a few general questions about her physical health, Nell opened up about the voices she heard at night when she was sleeping."

"Do those voices want you to hurt yourself or do harm to others?" the doctor asked.

"I don't think so," Nell answered.

What about your grasp of reality, can you distinguish between what is real and what is not real?"

Nell thought back on the death of her four team members as she said, "Doctor Matthews, I know what is real and what is not. The only difference is that sometimes I wish I were only imagining some of the things that I know to be real. I think that would help me to deal better with my life."

"And what are those things that you are talking about? Can you share them with me?" the psychiatrist asked.

Knowing the doctor was not cleared for the classified material, Nell tried to give a generalized answer, "Oh, just the everyday interactions in the office. It gets to a point sometimes that people seem to explode."

"And does that include you?" Doctor Matthews pressed, trying to get Nell to list the reasons she knew the woman was hiding. "Can you think clearly in those situations? Do you have normal emotional responses?"

I think my emotional level has been raised quite a bit, One of the closest relationships I have ever had with a man, not romantic but a very personal relationship, ended recently, and it wasn't under the best of circumstances." Nell answered.

"And is that the voice you hear at night?" the doctor asked.

"I don't think so." Nell answered. "I try to keep the voices under control. I do everything I can to keep from listening to them."

By this time Dr. Matthews came to the conclusion that Nell Jones was suffering from schizophrenia, and wrote her a prescription for an anti psychotic medication. "I want you to take this every night, and we can talk some more next week, Hopefully it will keep the voices from coming back. Please make an appointment with my secretary on the way out."

Nell thanked her for the prescription as she left the room. Looking at the prescription, she recognized the drug she was supposed to take. She crumpled up the paper and threw it in the wastebasket as she walked right past the secretary on her way home.

Dr. Israel Goodwin's initial approach to the interview was much the same. Nell answered the same general questions about her health. When the doctor asked about her sleeping habits, he also got her to open up about the voices she heard at night when she tried to sleep. But rather than trying to see if Nell had a proper grasp of reality, his questioning went off in a different direction from there.

"Have there been any traumatic incidents in your life that might account for these voices?" he asked.

She gave him a sanitized version of the agents' deaths. "I saw four of my best friends die in a horrible accident right in front of me."

"And you did nothing to help them?" the doctor asked.

"I couldn't do anything." was her reply. Shaking her head, she continued, "There was nothing anyone could have done. We were all too late to help."

Dr. Goodwin noticed the tears that she was holding back as he asked, "Are these the voices you hear? Do they blame you for what happened? Do they make you feel guilty that you did not suffer the same fate? Are they asking you to join them in death?"

"No, I don't think so. I don't recognize the voices as belonging to my friends. The voices I hear don't sound like them at all."

The doctor was wondering whether or not Nell was suffering from survivor's guilt. He made a few notes that he would probe into this area in more detail in their next visit. Then he wrote out a prescription for a mild sedative and set up another appointment for the following week.


	3. Chapter 3

**In Propria Persona**

By: Motsie of Atlantis

adj. from Latin "for one's self," acting on one's own behalf, generally used to identify a person who is acting as his/her own attorney in a lawsuit. For most of her life Nell has been acting on her own. Can she continue to live like this, or will change have to enter her life to save her from what is troubling her?

Rated: Fiction M - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - G. Callen, Eric B., Nell J. - Chapters: 3 - Words: 9,283 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 2/27/2014 - Published: 2/23/2014 - Status: Complete - id: 10137259

\+ - Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten

Prev 1. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 3

In Propria Persona

adj. from Latin "for one's self," acting on one's own behalf, generally used to identify a person who is acting as his/her own attorney in a lawsuit. For most of her life Nell has been acting on her own. Can she continue to live like this, or will change have to enter her life to save her from what is troubling her?

**Sequel to Persona Non Grata**

**Rated: M** for strong language, adult themes

**Disclaimer:** As always, every character or place you may recognize is not owned or controlled by me. The odd little people that interact with them still are solely the products of my imagination and do not represent any real person - past, present, or future.

**A/N:** Thank you V for bugging me until I finally wrote this. Thank you G for making me listen to the muse when the bunnies refused to be herded. Thanks to all who who waited for this last chapter and read it. I hope you were not disappointed. Please Note: There will be NO sequel written to this story.

**A/N 2:** Although members of NCIS:DC will be mentioned, this is not a crossover story.

In Propria Persona

**Chapter 3**

The sedative worked and Nell was able to sleep – for a few days at least – but then the voices came back with a vengeance, louder and much clearer. Nell couldn't turn them off and was forced to listen to them. They were not the voices that Dr. Matthews warned her about, anonymous voices that were trying to distort her view of reality, nor were they the voices Dr. Goodwin feared, those of Hoffman, Meas, Lindsey, and Ramos, wanting her to join them on the other side.

No, the voices she heard were those of ... **NELL JONES!** It was like listening to different audio playbacks of her own voice. But each of the voices seemed to be a different person, a different part of herself, using her own words, her own tones, her own inflections, arguing with an opposite her. It was almost like those old cartoon shows, where you had a good little angelic you on your right shoulder, and a bad little devilish you on your left shoulder, each arguing for control of your mind as you were trying to make a decision about something.

And each and every one of them were trying to prove to the other how real they were, how important they were, how much of themselves made up the life of one Nell Jones. As Nell started to listen closer, she was able to start singling out individual voices and listen as they were contending with their opposite. There was the Nell who loved her parents arguing with the Nell who needed to be on her own, the realistic and the idealistic Nells competing against each other. There was the amicable Nell and belligerent Nell, childish and adult, cynical Nell and idealistic Nell, sentimental and hard-edged, practical and theoretic, romantic and realistic, loyal and faithless, altruistic Nell and selfish Nell, compassionate and callous, faithful and fickle, competitive and halfhearted, selfish and generous, family oriented Nell and career driven Nell, proud and humble, insensitive and sympathetic, tender and heartless, ruthless and merciful, unthinking and considerate, even tempered and hotheaded, cruel and loving, and hundreds more. She was hearing all the different people she had been.

As Nell, the real one – not the voices in her head – began to process all of these voices, she began to realize that they were just playing out in her mind what she did every day in her life. In order to remain sane and within the necessary socially acceptable boundaries, she had to compartmentalize herself and present a different Nell to different people and groups as the circumstances demanded. It was almost as if she were putting on a different personality to match the situation.

It suddenly hit her like a two by four, right between the eyes. _****OMG.** she thought. **I'm turning into another Callen.** No matter what I call it, personality, identity, image, character, guise, role, it is the same as Callen putting on his personas. I may not do it as long as he does. Certainly I don't do it as well as he does. But I am doing exactly the same thing as he does._

_**Maybe I don't need another psychiatrist or psychologist to get rid of all the voices in my head. Maybe all I need is to find Callen and ask him how he deals with the multitude of personas he has.**_

Then she thought of her vindictive chewing out of Callen that day 5 years ago for all of the personas that he wore around her. When Nell thought about Callen's many situations, and compared it with what she was now experiencing, she began to understand why he did it. The petite woman felt that she really needed to apologize for the way she treated him then. But now the big question was could she find Callen after all this time. Would he understand what she was trying to say to him? If she could and he did, maybe each of them could find a common ground, and maybe, just maybe, she could make him see how wrong she really was. If Callen could ever forgive her, maybe they could once again become friends.

Nell got on her cell phone and placed a call to Tim McGee in the NCIS Washington Office. He had taken over from Leroy Jethro Gibbs as the Special Agent in Charge of the NCIS Major Case Response Team there.

"This is McGee."

"Tim, I don't know if you remember me, Nell Jones, NCIS Counterintelligence Operations Manager, Dallas? I used to be a political analyst in Special Projects in Los Angeles, when you were still a Special Agent in DC."

"I think so. You worked under, ahh, little woman who was Operations Manager, Hatty..."

"Hetty," Nell corrected him. "Actually, I'm trying to locate someone else who worked at OSP during that that time. Special Agent G. Callen. He retired about five years ago."

"I heard of him. Gibbs mentioned him often. He called him 'the ghost', because if he did not want to be found, there was no one who could find him. But I don't understand, you have your techs there in Dallas. If they have done a search for him, I don't see where my office could find out anything more." Tim explained to her.

Nell briefly explained that she had been placed on administrative leave and was locked out of her office by Assistant Director Mann because her team had been set up and assassinated. The reason Nell needed to talk to Callen was not something that had to do with the case. Nell had been officially barred from doing anything more on the case until she had been completely cleared. No, she needed to talk to Callen about a personal issue and then asked Tim if there was any way that he could do it "unofficially".

"I'll see what I can do," Tim assured her. Give me your personal cell number and I will text you when and if I find anything out. In the meantime, you might want to contact Gibbs. That's the only place I know that you might possibly get a lead on where Callen could be. Gibbs taught him a lot and was almost like a father to Callen. I would imagine that they still remain in touch. Gibbs was forcibly retired six years ago when he turned 65. He went out to Stillwater, PA, to take over his dad's store after Jackson died. I'll find the number and text it to you."

After Nell provided Tim with all the information he needed to help in the search for Callen, she hung up and debated whether to take a chance and call Gibbs or wait for McGee to text her with any information.

Nell was nervous and a little afraid as she dialed the number Tim gave her for the store Leroy Gibbs had inherited from his father Jackson. She wondered if Callen had talked to his mentor about the way she had treated him five years ago. She almost thought about hanging up as the phone was ringing, but it was answered before she could decide.

"Gibbs"

"Mr. Gibbs..."

"That was my father. I'm just Gibbs."

"OK, then, Gibbs." She began to seriously wonder if this was a good idea. It wasn't going at all the way she hoped. I'm Nell Jones, NCIS Counterintelligence Operations Manager, Dallas.

"NCIS retired me," Gibbs interrupted, with a slight trace of anger in his voice.

"I'm sorry about that, and I'm really sorry to bother you..." Nell tried to continue.

Gibbs interrupted her again, "Rule #6: Never apologize. It's a sign of weakness."

_**It just keeps getting better and better for me, doesn't it,**_ Nell thought. "Well, I tell you, Gibbs, I'm not feeling very strong right now. I really need to find G. Callen. I worked with him at OSP out in LA. Do you have any idea how I can contact him?"

"Why do you need Callen?" he asked her.

Nell started to sob softly as she began to blurt out everything to Gibbs, how she felt Callen treated her in LA, why she left, the disastrous meeting that she had with him in Dallas, how she had lashed out at him there. When she got to the part about what happened to her team, she drew a deep breath that Gibbs could definitely hear. She held it for a few seconds, as if the deep pain was being felt all over again. Nell continued, openly crying now and told him how all this has messed up her life, how she thought that now she thought she understood why Callen acted the way he did, and how much she now needed him, to listen to her, to talk with her, to help her sort this thing through so she does not end up a permanent guest at some mental health facility."

All Gibbs said to her was, "The caller ID number, your home phone?"

"Yes," she said.

"I'll get him the message. He'll contact you, if he wants." Gibbs told her as he terminated the call.

Nell didn't know what to think. Gibbs didn't say a whole lot. His final words to her did not sound very promising.

Three days later Nell received a phone call with a Washington, DC area code on the caller ID. She assumed that it was McGee calling her back, probably with the news that Callen had disappeared for good.

She picked up her phone and said "Hello."

The voice on the other end of the line said just one word, "Nell?" Her heart skipped a couple of beats. It was him. Callen. For some reason he contacted her.

"Callen? Is that really you?"

"Gibbs said that you wanted to talk to me."

She said a silent prayer, _**Thank you, Gibbs. May God bless you for what you have done.**_

Tears again came to her eyes as she continued the call, "God, Callen, it is so good to hear your voice. I am so glad that you called me, especially the way that I treated you the last time we met. I was so wrong, so very wrong with what I said to you. And you would have been entirely in the right if you would have hated me forever."

"I don't hate you, Nell.

"I don't see why you don't. I chewed you out so completely five years ago for hiding behind your personas. Now I have come to realize a little bit why you needed to do that. It was your survival mechanism, a different persona for everyone with whom you came in contact. I'm sorry for not understanding back then. Everyone said that I was so smart, but I couldn't believe that I was so stupid." Nell blurted.

"You weren't stupid, Nell. It should be me who is the one to say 'I'm sorry' to you. A lot of what you said to me was so right, but at that time I couldn't see it. I know that I didn't understand what you were saying to me about my personas. I thought you were just young and didn't look at things realistically. I forgot how intelligent you truly were. I saw you as a kid, who fantasized over me. I probably just put on a different persona when you walked away from me." he confessed.

"After I retired, I began to learn exactly what you meant," he continued. "I tried to deal with all my personas, and it was then that I saw the truth of what you told me. I couldn't find the real me, just one persona on top of another. I tried to get rid of them, but it was so hard. I had been living that way since I was a child."

Nell asked him, "Did you ever hear the voices of those personas talking to you, trying to take over, even arguing among themselves?"

They did when I was a child. Sometimes they were talking, sometimes yelling at me, most of the time they were trying to warn me what to do or not to do so I wouldn't get hit or hurt." he told her. "I don't ever remember them arguing among themselves. Why do you ask?"

"Callen, I am hearing voices, and it is really starting to scare me. I don't know if it is because my team was set up and assassinated, if the stress is just getting too much for me, or what. They are arguing back and forth and I don't know what to do. I know that you have lived with all your personas, and you still seem to be sane. I don't want to end up somewhere in a rubber room."

"What type of arguing are your voices doing?" he asked her.

"OK, there is one of me who is fiercely loyal to the members of my team, even now after they have been killed." Callen heard a soft sniff coming from her and knew she still had strong ties to these people. "There is another me that is ready to turn my back on NCIS for all the crap they are loading on me because of this. I feel that I am being forced to choose – between the job I did in the past and any future position I might be given. I have to deny one to hold on to the other. Both are important to me, but I can't see any way I can have both. My mind is split. Both sides are saying, 'Pick me. Don't pick her. Pick me.' And it is tearing me apart. How do you deal with it and still be able to function?"

"I don't know, Nell. I have been doing this since I have been a child. It has become second nature to me. Half the time I don't even realize I am doing it. Only when I look back on something I have done or said, do I realize I have gone into one of my personas. I guess that is what is making it so hard for me to get rid of them as I try to find out who I really am way down deep."

"I'm so sorry to dump this all on you, Callen, when you have your own problems to deal with."

"Don't be sorry, Nell, my problems seem like nothing when I see what you are facing. Can you contact Nate, or someone else that you trust to help you deal with this?"

"I have no idea where Nate is, and I have no faith in the people around here to help, and that's not just my paranoid Nell talking. The Operational Psychologist that did my psych eval was a joke. She just went through the motions. I felt I could have said anything and she would approved."

"Maybe I could try to find out where Nate is for you." Callen offered.

"I see you are calling from Washington. Are you still working for the government. I know you said that you retired from NCIS." Nell tried desperately to get to the reason why she wanted to talk to Callen.

"The CIA still uses me off and on. They don't have me doing the run and gun missions any more. These days it is mostly as a mailman ensuring the secure delivery of documents that have to be hand delivered." he told her nonchelantly

"So, are you going to be there for a few days? I really want to come there and see you. Maybe if we talked face to face you can see how much I need you to help me deal with this." There it was. She had said it.

"I don't want you to come to DC, Nell," he told her flat out.

Nell was completely devastated. Well, she had to expect that. Payback was such a bitch. He didn't want to see her. That's what she got for trying it on her own. She remembered a judge once warning someone else who tried to do things on her own, "in propria persona" they called it. He quoted the old adage that "anyone who represents herself in court has a fool for a client and an ass for an attorney." Surely she had proved herself to be both by opening up to Callen.

"I'm really sorry to have bothered you, Callen. I will somehow find my own way to deal with this. You can completely forget about me. I won't bother you any more." she blurted out to him as she prepared to end the call.

Before she could do it, Callen yelled at her over the phone, **"Nell! Stop talking."** Then, lowering his voice he ordered her, "Go to your front door, open it and look outside."

"...What?...Why?..."

"Just do it, please?" he begged.

Callen saw her front door open and Nell standing there with her phone in her hand. She saw the silver Jaguar parked across the street with him standing next to it.

Nell dropped her phone and ran over to him. She wrapped her arms around him, wetting his shirt with her tears. All of a sudden she lost all the strength her body had left in it. She became limp and slowly sank down to the ground, until she was on her knees with her arms clinging tightly to his legs.

Callen bent down, grabbed her under her arms and pulled her upright, He continued to hold her and provide all the strength she needed to remain standing.

His blue eyes locked with her hazel ones as he told her, "This is the reason I didn't want you to come to DC. Besides, it's a whole lot warmer here."

"You are really here? I'm not imaging it?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm really here and no, you're not imagining it." he confirmed.

"And you came here, just to help me, after all I did to you?"

"No, Nell, after all you did **for** me. Gibbs told me all you were going through. What you said to me five years ago started me on the road back to the real me. How could I not come and see if I could help you as much as you helped me?"

"Are we going to have some time to talk, really talk, without anything getting in the way?" she asked, hopefully.

"As much time as you want or need."

She took his hand and lead him across the street to her place, eagerly looking forward to beginning the process.

He looked forward to it as well, thinking to himself that the two of them could try to peel back all their personas, until only the real Nell Jones and G Callen were left. But if they found that to be impossible, maybe each of them could find a persona that would match the other one's, and together, the two damaged people can become whole, and no longer be "in propria persona".


End file.
